how i want to be remembered

New Video! I hope you enjoy it!

the lack of self love (and why that’s so dangerous)

“You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection” 
― Gautama Buddha

This message isn’t just for women; it’s a message for everyone. It’s an important one. It has to do with self-love.

The basic message is: You can never give the love you are meant and so desperately want to give, if you don’t love yourself completely.

When we are born we don’t have negative thoughts about ourselves. We don’t have thoughts about hating ourselves because our hair is too curly, we are too short or too tall, or we can’t run as fast as other people.  We learn these things. They come from the feeling of lack. We only get these feelings from the ideas we learn from others about what “perfect” is. We are all chasing our own idea of perfect and by doing so, we are living in a constant state of lack.

This is dangerous because if you are living in a state of lack, you are telling yourself that you don’t love yourself the way you are. There is something wrong with you. If you could only change this or that then life would be so much better. But that’s a lie! The only thing that is based on is some idea you have in your brain of “perfect.”

Now please don’t beat yourself up right now because this is ringing a very loud bell in your ear. Chances are it is because we ALL do this. It’s important to understand, though, how doing this affects your entire life and those around you. If you are living in lack you will search for a “love” that will fill the hole. You will constantly be searching for people, things, activities to make you feel the “love” that you think you are missing. The problem is, the only person who can fill this void, is yourself, with your own love. No one or no thing can do it for you.

Our relationships with others are also affected by our lack. We look to them to fill our own self-doubts, and when we stop feeling like they are doing that we begin to get angry. “They don’t love me the way that they should”, “or they used to be different”, or “they don’t care.” In most cases these things are not true. It’s ourselves noticing the void again. It was just a temporary fix.

I felt it was important to share this information. As I am realizing this in my own life and working on loving myself, I knew it was important to share with others. I hope everyone learns to love themselves. The world will benefit so much from the love you give.

I hope you know how important you really are.

sometimes anger is quiet

Angry people. We all know at least one person that we would refer to as an angry person, right? Someone with an anger problem? Well, I know I do. I usually don't enjoy being around these types of people. They aren't all the same but they all leave me feeling the same way. It's never a good feeling.

I would never consider myself an angry person. I love all my friends and family. I am grateful for everything I have. I am always happy and having fun. Sure, I have off days but so does everyone. I'm definitely not an angry person, right?

I'm starting to realize I might be wrong. I've been noticing that lately I have been quick to anger. I have always looked at anger as a negative emotion. I have looked at it as a sign of weakness. Usually, I am appalled at the reasons people get angry. Outside looking in it is easy to see that the situation at hand is not that bad, leaving the angry person looking foolish. 

Then, I took some time to really examine my anger. You might associate anger with words like rage, chaos, shouting, ect. It's easy to associate anger with these words because that is what the experience of anger feels like right? I used to think so. But, now I believe that these things are a symptom of anger. Anger itself is quite stealthy. In fact, it hides and creeps up on you. 

My mom passed away almost eleven years ago. For eleven years I have dealt with many emotions and feelings over this. I have never dealt with my anger. Why? Because I didn't think I was angry. For eleven years I have had this volcano inside of me waiting to erupt. I never even noticed. I ignored all the signs.

Anger is definitely something that needs to be worked through. It shouldn't be something you hold on to. It will only continue to grow and get worse over time. 

Admitting this is extremely hard for me. However, I want to be healed. I AM angry that my mom passed away. There, I said it.

times like these (poem)

It's times like these

that I remember

I connect for a moment 

to who I truly am

It feels like bliss 

and then

quickly I am whisked away

by a thought.

not all those who wander are lost

“All that is gold does not glitter,
Not all those who wander are lost;
The old that is strong does not wither,
Deep roots are not reached by the frost.

From the ashes a fire shall be woken,
A light from the shadows shall spring;
Renewed shall be blade that was broken,
The crownless again shall be king.” 
― J.R.R. Tolkien

don't take your eyes off of your goal

This story is an old one, but it's one worth sharing. At least, I think so. As soon as it happened I remember thinking that I would write a blog about it one day. So here it goes …

I never go to the gas station at night. You can ask anyone who knows me. I barely go at all. I always let my car get to E (which drives my husband crazy) but I won't go at night unless someone is with me. 

Well, one night I did. I was on my way home from hanging out with friends and I was pretty low on gas and I decided to pull in and fill up. As I was at the pump a million thoughts started racing through my head. I immediately regretted my decision as the thoughts started to take over and I began to feel unsafe. I didn't really know the area, there wasn't much light, and I was alone. It felt like forever, but I was finally done at the pump and I started to walk towards my car. I was still focused on what was going on around me and my crazy thoughts that when I opened the door, the corner of it hit me in the head. HARD. 

I almost passed out right there next to my car. But somehow, I managed to fight the overwhelming sensation and get into my car. I immediately started crying. I was crying because it hurt. It hurt very bad and it kept getting worse and when I looked in the mirror there was blood dripping down my face. I started driving. I called my husband sobbing and told him what happened. "Should you be driving?" he asked. Of course the answer was that I probably shouldn't be driving, but I convinced him that it was fine and got off the phone. I continued crying and in the midst of it I felt a sudden calm. Right then and there a thought popped into my mind …

Don't take your eyes off of your goal.

That was it. Thoughts flooded my mind and it started to make sense. My goal was to get to my car. I took my eyes off of my goal by letting my mind worry about all the different things that could happen. As soon as I did that, Wham! 

I thought about how that applied to life. Whenever we are working toward our goals there are always going to be obstacles along the way. As long as we keep our eyes (mind) on the goal we can overcome the obstacles. But, once you change your focus from the goal to the obstacles themselves, that's when we get hurt. That is when we give in to our fears and worries and the goal seems impossible.

I finally made it home. I had a big bump on my head and it hurt pretty bad. But, I had gained perspective. I had learned a valuable lesson … don't go to the gas station at night. :)

enjoy the little things

I made a new video about enjoying the little things in life. Sometimes it is easy to get caught up in the day to day business of our lives and we forget to enjoy the moments.

a letter to my future self

Dear Tonia,

I hope this letter finds you well. I am writing this to you with hopes that it will bring some joy to your heart, make you smile, and maybe even make you laugh. 

This is your first blog. You have been wanting to start a blog for awhile and you finally did. Along with that, you started a YouTube channel and plan to make many videos. It's a scary feeling. Hopefully by now you have written many blogs, made many videos, and the feeling that you have in the pit of your stomach is a little easier to deal with now. I hope that you have made new friends and touched some peoples lives because you put yourself out there. 

I want you to know that it's probably not going to be easy. There are going to be many times when you will want to give up. You will want to quit because it will seem like your dreams are impossible. Please don't. Don't ever give up. I believe in you. I also believe that along the way, you will find other people who believe in you too. You just have to keep going.

I hope you remember that as you are on this journey, that there will be other people in your life who have dreams that they have not sought after as well. Do your best to recognize that and support them. We are all in this together. You never know when your words of encouragement or your simple kindness will make the difference in someone's life. You have to believe in other peoples dreams as much, if not more, than your own. 

Live in the moment. That's important. Time slips by so fast. Try not to spend time worrying about the future and harping on the past. You know that will get you nowhere. All that will do is rob you of your time and happiness. I hope that right now you are grateful for everyone and everything you have in your life. I hope you realize how lucky you are. Please make sure you love everyone in your life with your whole heart. Don't miss out on the good stuff because you're focused on the small stuff. Take it from me, you won't even remember half the things you worried about. But the moments, those are yours to keep.

I know it has been hard for you along the way. I know how terrifying going after what you want really is. You are venturing out into the great wide open. You have no idea how it will turn out. It could be a disaster. I hope you remember that the thought of NOT doing what you want is way more terrifying than any awful thing that could happen. This is where you can find your strength. You have to be more afraid of not doing what you want then doing it. I hope you are able to focus on that.

I wish you good luck. If you're in a rough spot right now, I hope these words encourage and motivate you.If things are going well for you I hope that it continues. I wish you good health and hope there is joy in your heart. Take care of yourself and those around you and always follow your heart.

Sincerely,
Your past self